


i'm not sure what i'm feeling

by holtzmannedbaby



Category: Dead To Me (TV)
Genre: F/F, alt confession scene from s01e09, here we go with the hate sex again, it gets really soft at the end i'm sorry i couldn't help myself
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-13
Updated: 2020-10-13
Packaged: 2021-03-07 22:22:24
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,243
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26995117
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/holtzmannedbaby/pseuds/holtzmannedbaby
Summary: @milfjenharding on twitter if you wanna follow
Relationships: Judy Hale & Jen Harding, Judy Hale/Jen Harding
Comments: 8
Kudos: 47





	i'm not sure what i'm feeling

“Jen, please. If there’s anything I can do to make you feel better.” Judy whispers as she sits on the guesthouse bed, her cheeks stained with tears, watching Jen pace back and forth.

“Make me feel better?” Jen scoffs, pausing her movements, “Jesus Christ, Judy. You killed my fucking husband! And yeah, I’m glad he’s dead, he was a piece of shit but you fucking _lied_ to me. Why the fuck did you lie?”

“I- fuck, I don’t know, Jen. I wanted to tell you, I really did.”

Jen begins walking ever so slowly across the room towards Judy. “Then why the fuck didn’t you, Judy?!” She’s at the edge of the bed now and Judy has crawled back until she hit the wall, “huh? Tell me why the fuck you stayed in my life for so long before deciding to fucking confess?” She’s kneeled on the bed, her fists balled either side of Judy’s thighs, faces inches from one another.

Judy lets out a sob, “because, Jen. I didn’t realise that I was going to fucking fall in love with you, okay? Is that what you wanted to hear? The longer it went on the harder it got. Please, Jen. Please. I love you.”

Jen slams her fist into the wall besides Judy’s head, the drywall crumbling at the force and it was almost unmissable, the way Judy whimpered and squirmed and if Jen didn’t know her any better, she’d say it was fear. She’d say Judy was scared about what Jen could do right now with all this untameable anger bubbling inside of her. But it wasn’t. Jen could see the flush creeping up Judy’s neck from her chest, she could see the way her pupils were blown wide and the rise and fall of her chest.

“You’re- this is turning you on, isn’t it?” Jen laughs in disbelief.

“Mhm.” Judy responds so casually like it’s perfectly normal to be turned on by your (ex?) best friend when they literally look like they want to kill you.

“I fucking hate you.” Jen spits, only half truthful because she doesn’t hate Judy for killing Ted, not in the slightest. Afterall, he was the prick who couldn’t even bring himself to touch her after the mastectomy, instead pretended that she was dead and found some 20 year old to fuck. No, she hates Judy for lying to her. For waltzing into her life and bringing her so much happiness for the first time in years, being someone she could trust and talk to and then tearing it away in a flash. And now she doesn’t know what to do, she thinks the obvious answer would be to kick Judy out, to tell her to fuck off and die and never come back but she can’t bring herself to do that. She knows exactly why but she won’t allow herself to admit to that feeling, not right now when it’s clearly what Judy wants to hear. That she loves her back in a way she knows she shouldn’t. So instead, she leaves it pulsing in the back of her mind.

“No you don’t.” Judy says quietly, seeing right through her.

Jen grabs her chin, _hard,_ forcing Judy to meet her burning hot gaze, “what the fuck did you just say?”

“No you don’t.” Judy says again, louder this time. “You don’t hate me.”

“Fuck. You. Judy.” Jen seethes and then she’s kissing Judy, their tongues rolling against one another and teeth clashing. Jen pulls away panting and then makes her way down Judy’s neck, sucking and biting at the delicate skin hard enough to leave marks that would last for days. She pulls Judy’s denim skirt off and then reaches for her blouse and yanks at it, the buttons popping from the threads that once held them in place.

Jen would be lying if she said she’d never thought about fucking Judy. Her desires obvious in the 3am moonlight with her hand between her legs and Judy’s name a quiet cry on her lips when she comes. But this is not what she would have ever imagined, her fucking Judy out of anger and resentment.

Jen grabs a fistful of Judy’s hair and tugs her head back, “get on your fucking knees and turn around, I don’t even want to look at your fucking face right now.” She snaps, letting go of the brown locks and pushing Judy down onto the bed.

Judy obeys and scrambles onto her knees, facing the wall and then Jen is pushing her head down into the mattress and using her knees to kick her legs open.

“You are a fucking _bitch,_ Judy.” Jen drags her nails down Judy’s back and then brings her right hand down hard on her bare ass, making Judy whimper and clench.

“Fuck, Jen. Please.”

“You’re _my_ bitch, Judy. Tell me. Tell me you’re my bitch.” Jen spanks her ass again, marvelling at the red welts that start to appear and she knows Judy wants this, knows she wants to feel used and debased. Especially by Jen.

“Fuck, I’m your bitch, Jen. I’m yours. Please, please fuck me.”

“Yeah? Is that what you want? Me to fuck you until you’re bruised and aching? Begging me not to stop even when you’re coming all over my hand?” Jen digs her nails into Judy’s ass and squeezes with damaging pressure.

Judy lets out a strangled cry, “Yes, fuck yes.”

“Beg me, Jude. Beg for me to fuck you.” She shoves three fingers into Judy, knowing she’s more than able to take them judging by the come already dripping down her thighs.

Judy moans at the sudden fullness and rocks her hips back, “I need you, Jen. Fuck I need you so bad. To fuck me, to mark me as your own. Please. I’ve never wanted anyone like this.”

Jen feels her cunt throb at Judy’s words. Sweet Judy who killed her husband and is now pleading for Jen to tear into her. She shouldn’t want it after what happened but she can’t stop it, as she slams her fingers into Judy, each thrust drenching her hand, this need to show Judy how much she hurt her. To mark and to own.

“Here’s what’s going to happen,” Jen starts, stopping the motions of her fingers inside Judy. “I’m going to fuck you as many times as I want,” She pulls her fingers out to unbutton her jeans and take them off, “and you’re gonna come for me every time okay? And when I’m finished you can leave and never fucking come back. Clear?” She returns her hand to Judy’s pussy and builds up a rhythm.

Judy whimpers and attempts to rock her hips faster into Jen’s hand, so undeniably desperate for release.

“I said, is that clear?” Jen thrusts deeper into Judy this time, curling her fingers.

“Yes!” Judy screams.

“That’s right, fucking take it.” She pumps her fingers as fast as she can into Judy’s cunt, each stroke soaking her hand more and more until Judy is screaming out that she’s coming. Jen stops her movements to kneel behind Judy on the bed and pull her into her lap, still facing away because even if a small part of her does want to see the pleasured look plastered across her face she can’t just yet, she wants to wait until Judy is a complete mess, sobbing and writhing under Jen’s touch.

Jen wastes no time pulling her soaked fingers out of Judy and moving them up to rub circles on Judy’s clit while she curls the fingers of her left hand around her throat, squeezing just enough to make Judy gasp and grind down harder onto her hand.

She brings her face close behind Judy’s, breathing in the heady scent of sweat and sex, “does this make you feel good?”

Judy whimpers, “yes.”

“Better than anyone?”

“Fuck yes, Jen. You’re so good. So, so good.” Judy pants.

“Do you still love me?” She shocks herself with the words that tumble from her mouth and it’s not that she wants to hear it, she _needs_ to. Needs Judy to tell her that she still loves her because honestly, nobody else does.

“W-what?”

“Do you still love me, Judy?” Jen squeezes a little bit harder on Judy’s throat.

“Yes. Yes I’ll never stop loving you.”

There it is. Jen feels red hot tears prickling and she does her best to push them back. No matter what she does, how hard she pushes Judy, she’ll always come back for more.

“I need you to fuck me, Judy.” Jen breathes, as she spins Judy around so she’s straddling her lap. She grabs Judy’s hand and slides it between her legs, the uncomfortable wetness seeping through her underwear.

“Fuck me like you want to break me. Fucking hurt me, Judy.”

“I- Jen, I can’t.” Judy begins to pull her hand away but Jen grips her wrist and pushes it past the waistband of her underwear.

Judy whimpers at the sudden deluge spilling onto her fingertips and slowly pushes two fingers inside Jen.

“Four.” Jen’s voice is stern.

“What?” Judy sounds worried.

“Four fingers, Judy.”

Judy pulls her fingers out and positions four at Jen’s entrance, she pushes them in and is met with a slight resistance and Jen winces.

She opens her mouth to speak but Jen cuts her off, “don’t you dare fucking move. Just fuck me.”

Judy slides her fingers all the way and Jen groans. She needs this, to feel this pain, something that proves she’s still alive but it’s not enough, Judy is fucking her so delicately, she needs to find what will tip Judy over the edge into hatred. She needed Judy to fuck her in a way no one ever had.

She looks pointedly at Judy, “you fucking love it when people hurt you, don’t you? That’s why you were with Steve, because he was such a cunt. And it’s probably why it never lasted with Nick, he was too nice for you.”

Jen had never seen Judy angry before, wasn’t sure it even existed inside her until now. She could see the glint in Judy’s eyes change to a burning fire and it was thrilling.

“Aw, what’s the matter? Don’t like hearing the truth?” Jen tormented.

Judy pulled her hand from Jen’s underwear and slammed Jen back into the wall, knocking the air from her lungs, “you’re one to fucking talk, you stayed in a loveless marriage and were always fighting, and not to mention that Ted was fucking someone else.”

Jen knew she didn’t mean it, she knew Judy could see right through her and was telling Jen what she wanted to hear but a sick part of her brain was loving this side of Judy. “Fuck you, Judy.” Jen swung her hand, the connection of her palm on Judy’s cheek stinging.

Judy lunges forward and captures Jen’s lips between her own in a searing hot kiss, their harsh pants as they break for air the only sound in the room. She pulled back to remove Jen’s shirt and underwear and then attached her lips to her throat, sucking and biting as Jen gasped. She shoves her fingers back into Jen, driving them into her at a rapid pace, giving Jen exactly what she wants.

“You just want to feel something, don’t you, Jen? You’re tired, tired of feeling nothing but anger and pain.” Judy’s voice is soft and the fingers she has inside of Jen building her up to a quick climax have slowed down.

Jen wants to but she doesn’t answer, just continues to roll her hips into Judy’s hand, trying to get her to speed up again, to carry on fucking her viciously.

“Let go, Jen. Let go.” Judy whispers in her ear, she twists her fingers and Jen feels it, the unmistakeable feeling of the most intense orgasm she’s ever had coursing through her body, she screams as she comes but then she’s crying, sobs tearing their way out of her throat, all the hate she had for Judy flooding out with them because all in all, Judy is the only one that gets her, who really knows her and accepts her.

“Shh, it’s okay, it’s okay. I’ve got you, baby.” Judy wraps her arms around her and Jen lets her, falling into Judy’s lap, her previous proposal of fucking Judy senseless long forgotten.

“I’m sorry, Judy. I’m so sorry.” Jen hiccups, her whole body shaking violently.

“It’s okay, it’s okay.” Judy repeats over and over, stroking Jen’s hair like it would somehow make everything better and Jen stays there hoping it does.

“Come on, lets get you to bed.” Judy stands up and extends a hand for Jen to take.

They throw their clothes back on and head into the house, Judy grabs Jen a bottle of water from the kitchen and walks her up to her room, her arm a firm anchor around Jen’s waist.

“Here, put these on.” Judy offers some sweatpants and a t-shirt to Jen who is sat on the bed.

Jen shakes her head, she removes her jeans and shirt once again and curls up under the duvet.

Judy sighs and puts the clothes back in the dresser. She walks over to Jen and tucks her hair behind her ear, “night, Jen.” She turns the bedside lamp off and starts to walk away.

“Judy?” Jen whispers into the darkness.

“Yeah?”

“Please stay.”

“Okay.”

**Author's Note:**

> @milfjenharding on twitter if you wanna follow


End file.
